hi! it’s been a WHILE, READERS. i haven’t been doing my weekends recaps or high, low, buffalo because this is a slow-moving summer. this summer is probably my last at home, so i’m trying to patiently soak in these moments even though i’m excited to get back to norman.
something that has been weighing heavily on me is healing, so as your fellow shy girl, let’s talk about it from a quiet, observant perspective.
for context, i’m 20 years old, a junior in college and use this blog as a journal. although i am a private person, i do think it is important that i dive into lessons i learn, and healing and independence are primary ones.
in march of this year, i went through my first real heartbreak. tough stuff! especially for someone like me who doesn’t like to discuss or publicly show emotions. imagine everyone knowing you’re probably sad. embarrassing for a shy girl like me!
because of my high school experiences, i’ve always been pretty independent and comfortable alone. being in a long distance relationship for two years also meant that I did a lot of things by myself.
a feeling that i had to sit with, though, was ending this relationship that started in high school, kind of meant closing the last chapter of my ADOLESCENCE. i was comfortable with my own company but when was the last time that i had evaluated what that meant?
I knew what my hobbies and dreams were. i had friends and family that supported me, but how was i supporting myself?
one thing that people don’t tell you about healing is that it’s a daily choice. you don’t wake up one morning magically happy and grateful. i had to push through the anger and hurt and pray for strength. i had to have faith that this pain would pay off.
i’m still choosing to heal daily, but i’m also learning a lot about myself. i’m starting to visualize god’s reason for this massive change:
- spending time wisely. like i said, this summer is probably my last full summer at home. i’m also the youngest of my siblings, which means i get two full months to spend time with my mom and dad and give them my undivided attention. a lot of people don’t get this opportunity or realize its importance if they do.
- finding new hobbies. this one sounds cliche and desperate, but it’s true. i’ve taken up running again and even take walks. i’ve found new podcasts i enjoy and new shows to watch. i made no bake cookies?? a shocker for me even though they literally require no baking. i’ve lost count of the amount of books i’ve read, and i spend a lot of time with jesus. i take evening drives and see my hometown in a new light even when i don’t want to.
- enjoy female friendships. there’s no one that’s going to be there for you in heartbreak like your sister, your mom or your friends. the female experience will always tie you together no matter your age. one of my biggest lessons i’ve heard echoed is this: you have your entire life to live with a man (or not, your choice). enjoy being 20 with your girls while you can. you’ll never be this young, this eager or this blatantly vulnerable ever again.
- do what i want to do when i want to do it. the best part about healing–it’s completely your experience. at the end of the day, i have the world at my fingertips. if i want to study something new, i will. if i want to take a trip, i will. if i want to go on a date, i will. i’ve found a newfound love for daydreaming. life has so much to offer, and i’m going to enjoy every opportunity while i only have me to worry about. being shy and anxious doesn’t mean changing who i am because i’m single. i will never be the life of the party, and i will probably always keep to myself some, but that’s who i am and that’s what i want.
- reconsider what i want out of my life. this one is deep and a little heavy. for a shy girl like me, dating is intimidating honestly. let me say: my being single isn’t about looking for my next boyfriend; it’s about looking for my future self. do i want kids? some days, of course. some days, i’d rather just be an aunt, so i can give them back when they cry. do i want to get married? some days, i can’t wait. some days, i would rather die then give up my space. do i want to move away post-grad? maybe, maybe not. whAT I DO KNOW IS THAT i want to experience everything life has to offer: pain, joy, success and even heartbreak. i want the yes’s and the no’s, and i want them to be mine.
keep living the dream, shy girls,
kayden
Kayden Anderson 
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